Brokenness

It was a rainy night. Dark clouds shadowed the skies. Thunder and lightning rumbled across the heavens and the trees bowed in adoration and awe of the mighty wind. Little children were screaming in fright. Even adults trembled in fear willing the storm to be over. I was numb from the pain, oblivious to my surroundings. For all I cared the world could burn down in an instant. It would still have made no sense. What was life anyway? Who cared if we lived or perished? My mind was in absolute turmoil, the storm within greater than the one without. At intervals, I got curious stares from those around, but nobody asked any questions. Everyone pondered over his own inner thoughts and left me to burn in my own private hell.

I thought this love was forever. I could have sworn we were soul mates, made for each other. Is this how it felt to be heartbroken? I could feel the life draining from my quivering flesh, my heart shattering into a thousand pieces wounding my insides and scaring my soul. I knew in that instant I would never love again. There wasn’t enough of me to give away. I had become an incomplete woman, one who was once cherished and valued for her emotional independence. What I wouldn’t give to be in the arms of the one who promised to love me forever…just one more time. I’d give my arm and leg just to hear the words I once took for granted from the one who vowed to never bring me to this point.

That night marked the beginning of the end for me in many ways, after he told me it was over. Just like that. No explanation. No backward glance. One minute he was there, and the next he was gone. Later, my friends would try to tell me I’m better off without him. The bunch of liars. What do they know?

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Today, I’m as weak as I was that night. I can’t concentrate on anything. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. The memories are drowning my spirit. I hate him but I hate me even more. For allowing myself to give of me so freely, trustingly and with a reckless abandon. I smile but all they see is a frown. I try to speak but all they hear are sobs. Maybe I should take a vacation or maybe I should just die. I hear them laughing at me, “she always thought she was better than us!” they say in scorn.

I’m losing me…yes I feel me departing, from this temple I always thought I’d reside in for a long while to come…what have I done? Where am I? I’m confused. This must be what it feels like to be insane. I’m broken…